Worst States to Drive Through (NE Division)

People of the Internet, I just spent the last three days on the road. Worst states to drive through (East Coast Division) 
3. Delaware: Positives - short. Negatives - ridiculous tolls to fleece motorists going somewhere else. The Delaware Turnpike is only 11 miles long! Sometimes I cut through Newark and throw trash out the window on the University lawn just for spite.

2.New Jersey: Everyone knows the NJ turnpike, but what about the "Garden State?" Positives - Not as bad as Connecticut. Elizabeth doesn't smell like ass anymore. Negatives - Elizabeth still looks like ass. You still can't pump your own gas in 2018. Bill Parcells reverse mortgage billboards. The Vince Lombardi rest stop is pretty much the waiting room from Beetlejuice.

1. Connecticut: So bad the Hartford interchange was used on the cover of OK Computer to represent the sterility and isolation of our dystopian technological future. Positives - sometimes you can see cool helicopters at the Sikorsky plant. Negatives - literally everything else, especially anywhere near Hartford. They shut down lanes on I-84 in the middle of the night out of spite. Look, I'm only on the Merritt Parkway to get to New York City ASAP, don't try to make me go 50 mph.

U2 Studio Albums, Ranked

People of the Internet: I didn't like it that much when it came out, but agree that Zooropa was the last interesting album from U2. https://www.vox.com/culture/2018/7/5/17507864/u2-zooropa-album-tour-review

1. Achtung Baby
2. War
3. Unforgettable Fire
4. Joshua Tree
5. Boy
6. October
7. Zooropa
8. Rattle and Hum
9. A Very Sharp Stick in the Eye
10. All That You Can't Leave Behind

Fruit, Objectively Ranked

People of the face: Here is an objective ranking of fruit:

1. Pineapple
2. Orange
3. Blueberry 
4. Banana (preferably NOT cavendish)
5. Mango (would be higher if it didn't insist on being so messy)

(I don't care that "scientists" say tomato is a fruit, it's not a fruit.)

Ted Danson Roles, Ranked

People of the Internet, here's the authoritative list of Ted Danson Roles, Ranked

1. Body Heat: It's a small role in a great movie with a lot fireworks, but somehow he's the best part of the movie. After seeing this movie I assumed he was some kind of professional dancer, but turns out they started production during a writer's strike so he had a month to perfect his "improvised" routine. Also, I know nothing about dance.

2. Bored to Death: He's the best part of this show by far. He's almost too good, so good that it makes you want to punch Jason Schwartzman even more than you might normally want to punch Jason Schwartzman. (I like Jason Schwartzman but his face is very punchable)

3. The Good Place: His timing and charm are IM-peccable. Maybe a little too nice for the role.

4. Cheers: He manages to anchor a sit-com without being annoying or a jerk. Think of all the other classic sit-coms of the 80's-00's: Seinfeld, Frasier, How I Met Your Mother, Friends, Everybody Hates Raymond. The leads are almost always intentionally or not-so-intentionally the least interesting and funny parts of the show. Cons: too smart to be an ex-Red Sox player. Later in the show when everything got boring, he becomes too much the audience surrogate nice guy like Alan Alda in MASH.

5. Other stuff. He's good in Fargo, Curb Your Enthusiasm. In theory I'm sure he'd be good in CSI, but why would anyone ever watch that show unless you were in prison and the on/off switch was stuck? Other possible CSI watching scenarios: It's the real life 3rd act of A Clockwork Orange and you're the Alex character tied to a chair with your eyelids forced open and Beethoven cranked up in the background... There's nothing else on TV and you've lost the ability to read or care about life... You're in Hell, etc...

Top 20 Queen Songs - The Authoritative List

People of the Internet: I hear they released a crappy Queen biopic with a sanitized plot, so instead of talking about a movie I'm not going to see, here's my authoritative list of the top 20 Queen songs, in descending order.

20. Flick of the Wrist - This is a good song
19. Good Company - It's good, and has a life lesson!
18. All Dead - It's good, and sad.
17. Another One Bites the Dust - It's good...if...well, it's good.
16. We Will Rock You/ We are the Champions - They're good, but I'm only counting them as one. Bonus points for the added irony that the once biggest bro rock anthems were really gay anthems. See also: Sacha Baron Cohen as Bruno's "gay TV" sketch on the Ali G show. Also ironic, Sacha Baron Cohen left the Queen biopic because he wanted to make a really raunchy movie with Stephen Frears and the surviving members of Queen didn't. Bad job, Brian May + Roger Taylor
15. It's Late - It's good, and not too late.
14. Somebody to Love - It's really good, but over played.
13. '39 - Good melancholy sci-fi thanks to good doctor of astrophysics and bad movie producer Brian May.
12. You're My Best Friend - Awww
11. Under Pressure - So overplayed I used to hate it, but it's a really good song. I had to wait for David Bowie to die to be able to hear it again. Listen to the isolated vocal tracks from both Freddie Mercury and Bowie and have your mind blown. 
10. Seven Seas of Rhye (off Queen II) Great proggy cheese-mythology rock. Don't blame Queen for all the crappy music that tried to imitate this stuff
9. Fat Bottomed Girl - Problematic great song. Bonus points for bicycle bell-ringing.
8. Now I'm Here - Think I'll stay...with this song...around...
7. Don't Stop Me Now - I think this song is hot. That's why I call it Mr. Fahrenheit
6. Crazy Little Thing Called Love - It's crazy how good this song is.
5. Stone Cold Crazy - It's stone cold crazy how good this song is.
4. Brighton Rock - Brian May is God, and not a nativist like Clapton
3. Killer Queen - This is the best Queen song
2. Tie Your Mother Down - This is the best Queen song
1. Bohemian Rhapsody - Look, I didn't really want to put this song first, but whaddya gonna do? This is the best Queen song.